


Guilt

by Berocca



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Community: kakairu_fest, KakaIru Month 2015, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:48:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berocca/pseuds/Berocca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being late for their anniversary isn't the problem.</p>
<p>Warnings for violence and angst</p>
<p><a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PDOzQeiPc093i-qsEonCRDL_gJit_vjbKs4MmxMgjrA/pub">Day 3 prompt</a> KakaIru Fest Summer 2015: Month of KakaIru</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt

Kakashi looked up. The sky was completely dark now, no thread of yellow or orange anywhere. It was well and truly evening. There was no way around the fact that the day that Iruka had said he would be back by had come and gone.

It was a B-class mission, but Kakashi knew how those could go off on a dangerous tangent. Kakashi stared blankly at his page, trying not to breathe too quickly. As it was, Sakura glanced over at him worriedly from the middle of some paperwork with Shizune.

“Sensei, have you seen these patterns before?” asked Sakura. Her voice was a little too loud and inflected to have been actually concerned about the patterns. Kakashi dutifully slouched over and helped her and Shizune decipher what were some pretty difficult codes, pretending to not notice their furtive glances at each other when they thought he wasn’t looking.

*

It was midnight before Kakashi got home. He was half-expecting to hear the shower running when he opened the door, and Iruka’s crisp tenor singing bits of song. But the apartment was empty and stale, because it was Iruka who usually got home early and let some air in before Kakashi got home; and Iruka still wasn’t back yet.

Kakashi started to get irrationally angry. Iruka wasn’t even a full day late, but Kakashi felt so helpless. Iruka shouldn’t even have been sent on that mission. The Academy holidays had only started a day before he had left, which was a week ago. Now if Iruka got back, he would only have a week of the school holidays, and that wasn’t nearly enough for what Kakashi had been planning for them.

Their 7 year anniversary was tomorrow, and Iruka had _promised_ he would be back. Not with words, but with his eyes; he had _promised_ that he would be here and make love to Kakashi for their anniversary and show him exactly how much his feelings for Kakashi hadn’t changed one single bit. And Kakashi had confidently told him back, not using words, of course, how he would be gleefully waiting to embrace all the love and attention Iruka was going to shower on him.

The memory of Iruka’s hard, thick cock stretching and choking his mouth; his lips touching the soft brown curls at the base of the shaft, filling his nose with the musky, heady scent made Kakashi’s lower half stir in want. Ten years of wanting Iruka and the want being reciprocated for seven of those ten years still did not fail to light sparks of lust and desire in Kakashi.

Abandoning the guilty feeling of touching himself when Iruka was out there somewhere on a mission, Kakashi lay down on Iruka’s side of the bed, surrounding himself thoroughly in blankets that now only had a faint smell of Iruka, and stroked himself with his right hand, starting off lightly and squeezing and flicking slightly at the tip, just like how Iruka did it when he was being playful.

Kakashi shut his eyes tightly as the tingly, tense feeling in his groin intensified, and imagined Iruka grinning against the side of Kakashi’s neck as Kakashi’s breath came quickly and more ragged. Iruka, his and _only his_ Iruka, would lick down to his collarbone, and nip it just hard enough to send jolts through his whole body, before lightly mouthing his way down to where his hands were working continuously. Kakashi’s breath came out in a gasp as he pictured Iruka’s handsome face alight with cheekiness, swallowing Kakashi’s length slowly and with obvious delight. Kakashi only managed a few more tugs before he came, covering his hand in thick, white semen.

Kakashi’s heart was still beating fast, but not pounding out of his ribcage as it would have done if he had actually been with Iruka. Reluctant to open his eyes to the reality of Iruka’s absence, Kakashi quickly found some tissues on the night-stand and wiped himself off, and buried his nose in Iruka’s pillow to let himself be swallowed by sleep.

*

Iruka opened his right eye slowly. His left was still swollen shut with an angry red bruise. He hung from the ceiling on chains around each wrist that were set widely apart. His arms felt as if they would pop out of his shoulders any minute, and his left foot was sticking out at a horrible angle, brushing the floor of the cave every time Iruka breathed or moved, sending flashes of pain through his body. Two of his ribs on the right felt extremely hot and painful; Iruka supposed they were probably broken. A disturbingly regular drop of filthy water from the black rock above kept hitting his hanging head every hour or so. It threw Iruka’s sense of time completely off whack, and he didn’t know whether he had been in this cave for two days or twenty.

The most pressing thing amidst all the physical pain however, was Iruka’s worry about his anniversary date with Kakashi.

He knew how much little gestures and dates meant to Kakashi, and especially anniversaries. Kakashi was so skittish when they first started dating about anything regular, such as Friday night movies or leftover Monday dinners, but Iruka quickly found out that it was because Kakashi yearned for regularity more than anything else in a relationship. Kakashi wanted something stable and regular so much that he had been scared of letting himself believe that he would get it.

Iruka had worked so hard to stay in Konoha and keep everything as predictable as clockwork for the last seven years he was with Kakashi, but this week-long B rank mission had been specifically assigned to him by a client from Suna who had a little girl to travel with. She had been in the Academy exchange program and nobody had been able to find a reasonable excuse as to why Iruka couldn’t go with her and her civilian parent back to Suna on a relatively easy body-guarding mission.

Iruka remembered kissing Kakashi long and deeply in the small genkan of their apartment. Kakashi’s hands around Iruka’s back were still and firm; _too_ still and firm. Iruka had given Kakashi a stern look, trying to convey how much he loved him and wanted to bend him over and make his hands _really_ clench in ecstasy, and Kakashi’s eye had darkened into something softer in response.

“Getting comfortable, chuunin?” hissed a dark voice.

At Iruka’s blank stare, the tall man gripping Iruka’s chin with one hand slapped him without warning, and just as suddenly, he felt hot lips sucking on the reddened cheek.

More than any physical pain, Iruka hated the caresses violently. He wanted to bite his tongue and kill himself, but he couldn’t do that to Kakashi, but at the same time he just couldn’t let himself be touched and penetrated by someone who wasn’t Kakashi.

Two more men came into the room.

“I want him down from here, and standing up on the ground,” ordered the man who had licked Iruka.

“Yes, sir.”

One of the men untied the chains on Iruka’s wrists as the other healed his broken ankle just enough to stand.

Iruka’s arms felt prickly and hot as blood rushed into them, but his hands were already tied behind his back.

“Hatake Kakashi thinks he can keep this body all to himself, does he?” sneered the man. “Let’s see how well he responds to photos of his lover _making love_ to another man. I want to make him destroy half of anything he sees, or at the very least lose his fucking mind.”

“He won’t, bastard,” spat Iruka in a hoarse voice. “And I would rather _die_ than do what you say.”

“We’ll see about that,” smirked the man.

Iruka’s stomach dropped as the little girl from Suna was brought into view near the entrance of the cave. She was tied up and gagged, and her eyes glistened with tears.

“We will cut off each of her fingers and toes, and let her bleed to death unless you do what I tell you.”

Iruka closed his eyes in distress. Was his conscience and supposed sexual purity worth more than the girl’s life? Moisture formed beneath his eyelids as he knew there was only one choice he could make.

_Kakashi_ , moaned Iruka in his mind, _please forgive me_.

*

Iruka opened his eyes to a clean, white ceiling, and smelled the sterile scent of the hospital. It took a few seconds to organize the alarming surge of information to figure out where he was and what had happened. Gai’s team had rescued Iruka from the crazy missing-nin who had been bent on revenge against Kakashi. They hadn’t seen Iruka being violated and had assumed that he had been subjected to physical torture only, so nobody but the medics would know now about his other ordeal. That didn’t stop his insides feeling hollow when he heard a familiar, low voice next to him.

“Iruka, you made it back,” said Kakashi.

Iruka wanted to close his eyes but hearing Kakashi’s tense voice pulled his eyes to the man sitting on his bed.

“Kakashi…”

“Here, drink some water.” Kakashi had a tender smile, not the fake one he gave to everyone else. “You made it in time for our anniversary. This is the best gift you could ever give me. Thank you.”

Iruka’s vision blurred at the sincerity and love in his voice, and closed his eyes in shame.

“…”

“I’ll let you sleep.”

Iruka felt warm fingers carefully stroking his hair, and he wished he would just stop and leave him to burn in hell.

*

Iruka was avoiding him.

At first, Kakashi thought that Iruka was just tired, and when he had recovered, he was busy. Iruka wasn’t late for their Friday night movie or Monday leftover dinner, but something was off, and the way Iruka wouldn’t hold his gaze was making him feel paranoid and anxious.

It was on a Wednesday night that Kakashi could bring up the courage to ask.

“Iruka, are you sleeping?”

“No. Do you need something?”

“Iruka… is there something you need to talk about?”

The bedroom was cold but the air was suddenly inexplicably stifling and heavy, and Kakashi had to concentrate extremely hard to keep breathing. Kakashi’s elite visual and sensory skills threatened to plunge him back into the memory of standing in his parents’ bedroom, the air feeling just as stiflingly heavy, as he stared at his father dead in a pool of blood on the deck outside.

“Kakashi…”

“Yes?”

“…Kakashi.”

“Iruka, please…” Kakashi’s voice cracked with the strain of stopping himself from shaking Iruka, yelling at him or pleading Iruka to just tell him what was so wrong with him that he was no longer worthy of Iruka’s love.

“… I’m sorry.”

Kakashi’s ears roared as if there was a high wind, and his whole body was paralyzed by the air that was as heavy as ten thousand piercing swords –

“I… He, I’m sorry, Kakashi.”

Kakashi wanted to slice himself, he wanted to run to whoever _he_ was and rip him apart, _he_ who had stolen Iruka’s love –

“The mission didn’t go as smoothly as planned,” said Iruka. He was using a clinical voice, the same as those voices Kakashi had heard so much before in Anbu and was sick of.

“After physical torture, the man took pictures of himself being inside me. He was going to send them to you, but the camera was destroyed before I came home.”

Kakashi was stunned.

“What?”

Iruka’s shinobi-mode fell apart.

“Kakashi, I’m sorry, I would rather have died, I know you would have done so if it had been you, but it wasn’t just me, the girl –“

Kakashi threw his arms around Iruka’s body, drawing him close to his body. He didn’t register Iruka’s shaky struggles against his arms.

Kakashi was relieved. Iruka wasn’t leaving him, and Kakashi’s body felt so numb with the absence of that paranoia pressing down on him. The image of his father with the tanto making his stomach gape open was back to the dark corner of his memories, and he could breathe again.

He felt guilty for being so selfish, but he had felt vulnerable and Kakashi knew he was a selfish person through and through. He told himself Iruka wouldn’t leave him like his father had done.

“Please forgive me,” said Iruka.

Kakashi felt that he should be the one saying it.

“There’s nothing for me to forgive,” said Kakashi into Iruka’s shoulder.

The one Kakashi loved was right here in his arms, where Kakashi could still do something about it. Kakashi would make sure that another person he loved wasn’t going to go away for _Kakashi’s own good_ , not this time.

Iruka closed his eyes in guilt.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first angst and I hope its angsty enough? I'm not sure if it comes across or was just confusing...please review if u liked it and tell me what I could do better on!! LOVE YOU AND KAKAIRU 5EVA (it meanz moar dan 4eva) 
> 
> OTL sorry


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